Updated: Dec 11, 2019
If you’re needing mental health assistance please call BeyondBlue on 1300 224 636. Or if social anxiety has got you good, you can always message for help at lifeline.org.au/get-help/onlineservices/crisischat/ or text White Wreath at 0410 526 562
“Hi, sorry I missed you, but I'm in the middle of a depressive episode and just can’t people right now. Please try again in three to five business days. Thanks!”
Please understand, when you try to call or message, I won’t reply. It’s not because I’m sick of you, it’s not because I don’t want to talk to you. It’s because I don’t know why you want to talk to me. It’s because I don’t want to reply in case I say the wrong thing, or if you make fun of the emoji I use to reply when I don’t have the words. If I do reply to you it will use all my energy. I will be exhausted. My lol as a reply doesn’t mean “laugh out loud”, it means this “loser’s on lockdown”.
If you come over to visit to try and help me through it, I will smile...a lot. I will make sure we both have something to eat, a hot drink to share. I will make the visit about you, what have you been doing, what do you want to talk about. Anything to distract me from me. I’ll be searching my head for the social rules to follow so I know what to do physically. I will be flustered though. I’ll be nervous, and start cleaning the kitchen or tidying the house because I’m embarrassed, and don’t know how to...be? at the moment.
It means that I want to help you in your life anyway I can, your dishes, your washing, just anything. Because when I’m at home with just me, I’m living in my head, and my head keep telling me it hates me. It thinks I’m pathetic. It wants me to leave. To just stop..existing.
It means I don’t know what’s happened, I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know when it will end or how long I’ll be here for. I keep telling myself that it’s okay, you’ve got through this before and you’ll do it again. It’s just that..
I’m tired of doing it. Again.
And again and again and again and again and again and again.
My depressive episode means I’m in the darkest corner of my mind where no light has ever reached. And because no light has reached it, it's just covered in black mould and keeps suffocating me. It's making me sicker and sicker.
I don’t know what to do or who to be around when I’m in there. It means that the only feelings I really have right now are exhaustion, and maybe, confusion? I start questioning myself about everything..why this again? Why now?
I don’t know what message I’m trying to get across, I think I’m just trying to...be? Or to be again. But I just know that right now I’m not whatever it is I was before.
But if you bear with me, I’ll be back. I hope.