Updated: Dec 18, 2019
If you’re needing mental health assistance please call BeyondBlue on 1300 224 636. Or if social anxiety has got you good, you can always message for help at lifeline.org.au/get-help/onlineservices/crisischat/ or text White Wreath at 0410 526 562
"I'm Not Crazy..it's just a strange thing. And a scary one… like a switch flips somewhere and I'm just left alone. Left in my mind with scary thoughts, made-up images, irrational fears and logic. I slip deeper and deeper into these sort of feelings each new round I go through, and feel as though one day...I might just not be able to climb back out... "
My fight about whether or not I have depression has been a long one, one during the last few months I finally came to terms with. My biggest qualm was about whether or not I should go to the Doctors and have them dose me up on all the medication, and then be sent off to the shrink. It’s always been worse when I’m out in public really…or does this part go under the heading of anxiety? Where you don’t want to be here; you feel as though you’re just pretending; people will look at you and think “yep she’s crazy!”
Things started getting really bad. The lack of energy and motivation. Neglecting the things that I honestly had to do daily, those responsibilities that a person takes on when they become a parent – I just started leaving them to everyone else.
It really is a strange thing. And a scary one… like a switch flips somewhere and I'm just left alone. Left in my mind with scary thoughts, made-up images, irrational fears and logic. I slip deeper and deeper into these sort of feelings each new round I go through, and feel as though one day...I might just not be able to climb back out.
I’ve lost interest in everything that I used to love doing. I don’t read anymore, it just feels like a chore. Trying to draw just feels like I’m copying lines down. I hardly call anyone on the phone for fear that I’m bugging them, or that they’re only talking with me simply because they feel that they have to.
But then I have the good days you know? And they last a good while too. I can talk with people a lot, laugh until my stomach hurts - and it's a genuine laugh too. I feel it right deep down in my belly. I can even eat healthily and sleep really well. Which is really something when you have kids!
It makes me about the times when I was scared, sad and miserable. About how horrid it was because in my delusional thinking - no one close to me would love me if they saw me this way. That they would just look at me confused and wondering what on Earth I'm struggling with when just the other day I was the life of the party. It can really get out of control, and the worse part of it? I can feel it but just can’t stop it.
I've been told a lot that it's just "part of being a mum." Whatever is going with the kids that day is what you feel. It's what dictates your whole day. But then what do you call it when it dictates your whole week? Then month? Then what if it's still happening by their next birthday? Are you seriously telling me that this is just normal?
And if that is normal...is it normal that a person should wake up already feeling like they've done 10 rounds in the boxing ring, and the kids haven't even woken up yet? Is that normal? Seriously? Ok, what if you've woken up feeling like that, then are just fine with setting the kids down in front of the TV with the box of cereal as soon as they're out of bed?
Oh, there's no bowls or spoons by the way, just a picnic breakfast in front of the telly, minus the blanket, the fresh air, healthy food... you know, the basic essence of a picnic…is having depression seriously just "part of being a mum"? Have I held onto the fantastical image of parenthood for too long, and because I'm falling so short of it that’s causing me to be depressed? What is going on? Being stuck in that depression cycle is just exhausting, you know the one? –
I really hate being depressed. It’s like I’m left with only my negative glasses, and the only things that I’m able to see about me are the negative things. Sometimes I am able to distract myself enough to break out of that mood, but other times I just can’t. I find it interested that writing things down has made coping with it easier. Then while putting those writings up here for you all see might seem trivial to some people, it has been a great way to help get things off my chest in such a way that I really can’t explain yet. It’s help to change that nasty cycle from above to this one –
Doing this website has most definitely been my saving grace. It’s really given me a purpose to not only help battle my own depression, but figure out what’s really working well with me so that it might help others too. It’s my something to do when I don’t know what to do or simply don’t want to do anything. Whenever I sit down and see my folder with all the things that I’ve created to help people I get re inspired in my fight to deal with this all over again.
So thank you! For coming here and reading this. Thank you for being a part of my inspiration to not only find ways to cope with this for my family and myself, but to share those ways to help others. Let end the silence on depression and anxiety so that we’re all finally able to help each other through this.
I’d love to know what ways have helped you or someone you know through your depression or anxiety – please feel free to share them below!!
Big virtual hugs,